Making friends as a kid felt easy—almost automatic. Maybe it was a parent nudging us to play with the child next to us or the built-in social circles of school and community activities. We never really thought about how friendships formed; they just did. But as we grow older, things change. Life doesn’t naturally throw people into our paths the way it used to, and suddenly, making friends requires effort.

We hear a lot about the rise of loneliness and the importance of making new friends, but what’s often missing from the conversation is the kind of friendships we’re actually looking for. Are we craving deep, intimate connections with a select few, or do we thrive in having a broad network of acquaintances? Understanding whether we seek depth or breadth in our friendships can help us navigate social connections in a way that truly fulfills us.

There are two approaches to how most of us navigate making friends: depth and breadth. Depth prioritizes connection and intimacy with a select few, while breadth values a wide network of friendships. Neither is inherently better or worse, but they function differently and require different considerations if they are to be used effectively.

Depth: The Power of Intimate Friendships

As I get older, I crave more and more depth in my friendships. With so many things competing for my time, I have little desire to waste effort on friendships that don’t hold value for me. While there have certainly been periods where breadth was ideal, this season of life requires me to be unapologetically selective with who I give my time.

Depth in friendships means prioritizing meaningful connections. It’s about learning as much as possible about someone and allowing them to do the same. Rather than focusing only on the here-and-now or surface-level details, deep friendships push beyond that. These are the friendships where you can drop the mask, let out your anxiety, and invite them into your messy, uncleaned house.

With depth comes a sense of loyalty, trust, and emotional intimacy. These friends will inconvenience themselves for you, celebrate your successes, and sit by your side when life falls apart. They anchor you. However, they can also be incredibly difficult to let go of, making life transitions—moves, career shifts, changes in family dynamics—more painful.

Breadth: The Value of Wide Social Circles

On the other hand, the breadth approach means cultivating a diverse range of friendships across different interests and experiences. People with broad social circles are often more flexible in their thinking and less stuck in an echo chamber. They gain exposure to different perspectives and can easily adapt to life changes without feeling the weight of losing one or two key friendships.

The beauty of breadth is that it allows for lighthearted, enjoyable connections that don’t demand too much emotional labor. These friendships thrive in the present moment—shared experiences, fun nights out, or common interests. They offer variety and spontaneity, ensuring that as life evolves, you always have people to turn to.

However, these friendships can lack depth and emotional availability. Because they are often built on convenience rather than commitment, they may not always be there when you need deep support. Moments of hardship or personal crises can reveal the limitations of these relationships.

Choosing the Right Approach for You

Neither approach is inherently right or wrong. The key is to be intentional about what you need in your friendships. Ask yourself:

• How much emotional energy do I have to invest in friendships?
• Am I craving deep connection, or do I want more flexibility?
• Do my current friendships align with my life stage and needs?

Understanding your priorities will help you assess the friendships you have and determine if they’re fulfilling or if changes need to be made. If you value depth, consider strengthening an existing friendship or seeking out new relationships where emotional intimacy can develop. If you find yourself too reliant on a small group of friends, expanding your social circle might provide a fresh perspective and new opportunities.

The Takeaway: Balance is Key

Both depth and breadth have their place in our lives. There are seasons where casting a wide net and building diverse connections serves us well. And there are times when having a few trusted friends who know us inside and out is invaluable.

The important thing is to choose friendships with intention—knowing what you need, what you can offer, and embracing the strengths and limitations of each type. Whether through deep, intimate connections or a broad, diverse network, friendships should ultimately serve to support, enrich, and evolve with us as we navigate the complexities of life.

Final Thought

Friendships, like life, are fluid. What works for you today may not serve you tomorrow, and that’s okay. The goal is to be mindful of your needs and adjust as necessary. Whether you thrive on deep, meaningful friendships or a broad, lively social circle, the most important thing is that your relationships bring joy, connection, and support into your life.