You loved your sex life. It allowed you to de-stress, have fun, and connect. Then came the kids. Deep down you fear having kids ruined your sex life.
Believe it or not, you are not alone. And you’re not wrong. Having children will undeniably alter the sex life you once knew. But so does career stress, aging, and experiencing life. As you evolve and your responsibilities grow and expand, your access to carefree, unpredictable sex becomes more limited and unlikely to occur. The difference is that this may happen gradually over time and does not often occur simultaneously with a partner. With children, on the other hand, it’s together all at once. Seemingly overnight everything about the sex life you once knew must go.
So how do you get it back?
Or more accurately, how do you create something new?
Grieve and let go of pre-kid days
Children are not puppies, and you are not going to return them. This means you need to acknowledge you are also not returning to days before children. Long gone are the impromptu all-nighters and spontaneous multi-session marathons.
While you absolutely love those little darlings, it’s necessary to acknowledge what’s lost and grieve. This doesn’t make you a terrible person or a bad parent. It makes you human. I’m sure there were a lot of great memories too…memories wrapped in the singular ease of not having to consider anyone else (except your partner). There were the “I’ve got time,” “I’m feeling sexy,” and “Why the hell not.” Now, you are thrust into a period where time and energy always seem to be in short supply.
When you hold onto the past, you compound those new challenges with longing, sadness, and an unreasonable desire to get it back. You become stuck and paralyzed. Grieving the sex life you once had, unhooks you from the weight of the past. When you let go, you free yourself up to create something new.
Get it in the books
Calendars are not obligations. They are an explicit act of prioritization. Have you ever noticed the things you want to get done versus those that actually get done? As you get older, you have more demands in life and less time for those demands. Inevitably, things that never make it onto your calendar soon become a relic of the past.
Think about reading, date night, working out, and making new friends. Each item you swear you want and need but don’t carve out space for finds its way to the “when I have time” shelf in the back of your life. However, you seem to always find time for the dentist appointments, those peer evaluations, 8 o’clock bathtime, and Saturday playdates.
While you may not have needed to block out time for sex, you’re no stranger to getting the things you want into the books. Throughout your adult life, you’ve likely implemented assumed calendars such as Taco Tuesday, Wine Down Wednesdays, and Sunday night football. These mental calendar blocks reserve time for things you wish to prioritize even if they are not explicitly written down.
After children, the assumption you could manage household, career, and personal priorities on a mental calendar is quite unrealistic. There are too many things you could spend your time doing and even more you would prefer to do. Writing erotic time into your schedule demonstrates that you take seriously and prioritize your sex life. This doesn’t need to last forever but ensures that you make time for sex until you get a better handle on life’s new rhythm and routine.
Establish “adult swim”
One of the best moments at any pool is the sweet sound of a whistle signaling all children must exit the pool for adult swim. For the next 15 minutes, there is no screaming, no unexpected cannonballs, just pure uninterrupted backstrokes and bliss.
Every household needs “adult swim” time. Whether to cuddle, nap, or get busy, you need a system that establishes an adults-only zone. This may mean putting a lock on the door, getting an in or out-of-the-house sitter, or moving bedtime up an hour.
Implementing this protected time as early as possible is important to normalize that parents have “time-outs” where kids are not permitted. You might start with an earlier bedtime once a week or a household “wake-up” 15 minutes later on weekends. It doesn’t need to be much. The purpose is to build a habit that prioritizes time just for the two of you.
Expand the definition of your sex life
Too many couples fail to define what sex means to them. You may think sex is self-explanatory but really, it’s not. Your erotic landscape likely includes intercourse. But how about outercourse? Is mutual masturbation included? What about solo masturbation? Foreplay? Oral? Sexting or consuming erotica?
These conversations may feel unnecessary for some before becoming parents. However, with the addition of children, learning how you define sex and expanding your understanding of what sex can be becomes essential. This is especially true for those diaper days where it may feel impossible to have partnered experiences. When you expand your definition, you can re-imagine all the ways to invite sexuality back into your newly evolved adult life.
One exercise you can try is to create your erotic pantry (separately). Your erotic pantry includes all the ways you are open to engaging erotically. This may be comprised of everything from flirting to sensual massages and baths to bondage, watching porn, and so much more. Once you and your significant other create separate pantries, see what may go into a pantry for both of you. Some items may be reserved for special occasions and some may be accessible for regular use. Remember the purpose of the pantry is to create more opportunities that are easy to remember and do.
Explore. Adjust. Evolve.
The most important thing to keep in mind concerning sex after parenting is that you, your life, and your needs are going to change. It may take some time before you are ready to re-engage with your erotic self. That is to be expected. Change is a beautiful yet sometimes frustrating part of life. But it’s also normal. The key to finding and maintaining an amazing relationship and sex life is learning how to enjoy the ride. Give yourself permission to explore what no longer works and what now feels good to you. Give yourself time to adjust to new bodies, new responsibilities, and new levels of energy. Realize that as you evolve, sex can too.
Suggested Readings: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn
