To share the money or not to share…that is the question. Whether you are in a committed relationship or married, matters of money frequently creep into and disrupt romantic relationships. This becomes even more likely when living under one roof, having children, or sharing other major expenses. Misalignment with finances is so common that it serves as one of the primary reasons couples seek out therapy. That being the case, you may start to wonder whether or not it makes sense to combine finances, and if so, what might be a good approach to protecting your wallet, your sanity, and your relationship.
Money, much like sex, is a hot topic that is ripe for conflict. Also like sex, it is a subject that often elicits an excess of fear, guilt, and shame despite it being a necessary component to maintaining any lifestyle. While it is a key factor in how we experience life, many people feel a sense of “yuck” when they are forced to acknowledge its impact on freedom, stability, and power. Instead, they both intentionally and unintentionally avoid matters of discomfort despite the consequences of doing so.
This can be an effective approach when you are single and have no need and/or desire to think proactively about your future. However, when you add another person to the mix, you are soon confronted with ways you align and diverge in financial habits, values, and goals. What was once your prerogative, is now up for scrutiny and debate from someone you love.
So how does one decide whether to put money together or keep it separate?
Start with your understanding of your financial identity.
Before you can make a fully informed decision about combining your finances with someone else, it’s important to establish a strong understanding of your own financial identity. What does money mean to you? What did it mean to you growing up? Everyone has their own relationship to savings, earnings, spending, and debt. Reflect on what each of these mean to you and how they play into the lifestyle you are currently promoting and the one you are hoping to build.
This is an important step to avoid unnecessary conflict that often arisesafter couples realize they have conflicting financial values, habits, or goals. Perhaps you prefer conservative investments and your significant other moonlights as day trader. Or, your fear of poverty may inspire vastly different habits than your partner’s fomo of epic life experiences. None of these are wrong but can force you to massively change your relationship to money and reconstruct your financial identity in the event that you combine resources.
Determine what needs to be shared.
The easiest way to arrive at a poorly determined resolution is to rush into finding a solution…or assuming there are only ever two. Matters of money often have many workable options that can benefit each person better than the “all or nothing” approach. Once you and your partner have a grasp on what money means to you and how both of you use it, determine what will need to be shared between the two of you.
There are two matters I recommend couples to consider before arriving at this answer. The first matter is determining which financial obligations will be shared amongst the household. These may include bills, major purchases, home upgrades/repairs, pet care, child care, date nights, vacations and more. Don’t assume one person will take full responsibility for any of these. Be explicit in your expectation of how joint expenses will be managed.
Next, consider who will step into the various roles managing these financial responsibilities. This is especially important when one partner works and the other doesn’t. This relationship structure can quickly turn into a toxic parent-child dynamic as the power dramatically shifts to favor one person over the other. Relationships that lack equality build resentment and eventually lack desire and intimacy.
Identify why you would want to share anything additional.
Before you impulsively share everything, explore your motivations and intentions behind combining finances. This may or may not seem obvious, but it’s an important step to making an informed decision. Do you want to combine for ease and convenience? Is this about unifying as one? Is it because you share similar habits and values surrounding your finances? Is it a rule you feel obligated to follow because it’s what your parents did? Each of these answers leads to a different discussion and, potentially, very different outcome.
For households where one person gives up their career for the sake of their partner’s career or the building of a family, is it a way to maintain a sense of independence? As adults, you need to feel you have agency and power in how you experience life. If you are fighting for more financial power, there may be further need for exploration of where you are feeling disempowered.
Consider how you would maintain a sense of financial autonomy.
Part of the sexiness that draws you to another person, is the way they differ from who you are. Desire, passion, and pleasure live in bounds of creativity and autonomy. This is the space where you discover, explore, and express yourself. This is the space of living.
As an adult, you work so that you can live. You are motivated to work so that you have the ability to play. And that play makes you sexy. You find hidden talents, nurture passions, and pursue hobbies that differentiate you in this world. These are not optional endeavors but rather necessary to maintain an anchor to your whole self. Whether or not you combine everything to one account, you need access to money that encourages and protects some degree of financial autonomy.
Recommended Reads: I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi and Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel
Recommended Podcast: Journey To Launch
