To share the money or not to share…that is the question. Whether you're dating, living together, or married, money has a sneaky way of showing up and stirring the pot.
To share the money or not to share…that is the question. Whether you’re dating, living together, or married, money has a sneaky way of showing up and stirring the pot. Once you’re under the same roof—or raising kids, juggling bills, and sharing big expenses—those financial differences get real, fast.
In fact, money is one of the top reasons couples seek therapy. So if you’ve found yourself wondering, Should we combine our finances? you’re not alone. And the answer isn’t as black-and-white as “yes” or “no.” It starts with understanding your financial identity and what kind of life you’re trying to build—together.
Why Money Is as Intimate (and Loaded) as Sex
Like sex, money is tied to shame, fear, control, freedom, and power. We know it’s essential to a functional life, and yet many of us avoid talking about it—especially with our partners. But if you’re serious about building a life together, those money convos are unavoidable.
The more you avoid them, the more likely your finances will quietly sabotage the intimacy you’ve worked so hard to build.
Step 1: Understand Your Financial Identity
Before you talk budgets or bank accounts, take a beat. Ask yourself: What does money mean to me? What did it mean growing up? What are my habits with spending, saving, and debt?
Your financial identity is shaped by life experience, culture, and survival. Maybe you’re a conservative saver and your partner thrives on high-risk investing. Maybe your spending reflects a fear of scarcity—while your partner splurges out of FOMO.
None of it is inherently wrong. But if you don’t know your own story with money, you’ll struggle to create a new one with someone else.
Step 2: Define What Needs to Be Shared
Not every financial decision needs to be joint. But some do. Start by listing shared obligations—like rent, mortgage, utilities, childcare, date nights, and travel.
Don’t assume one person will “just handle it.” Be explicit about who’s doing what. And if only one partner earns income, get even more clear. Power dynamics can shift quickly, and a lack of financial equality often leads to resentment—and ultimately, disconnection.
Step 3: Ask Why You Want to Combine Finances
Be honest: Why do I want to share money? For simplicity? Because it’s what your parents did? To feel unified as a couple?
Different motivations yield different conversations—and different outcomes. Maybe one of you left a job to care for kids. Maybe you want a joint account and separate savings. There’s no universal formula. There’s only what works for your relationship.
If you’re seeking more control or power in the relationship, pause. That’s not just a money conversation—it’s a power dynamic that may need unpacking.
Step 4: Protect Financial Autonomy
Whether you merge everything or not, autonomy matters. You are not your partner. And some of what makes you magnetic is how you move through the world independently.
Work isn’t just about bills—it funds joy, hobbies, and desire. Financial autonomy gives you permission to explore passions, reconnect with your identity, and stay rooted in your sense of self.
If combining finances erases that autonomy, it’s worth rethinking the setup. Your relationship thrives when both of you feel empowered, not controlled.
Recommended Reads: I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi and Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel
Recommended Podcast: Journey To Launch
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