Dating Is Exhausting—Here’s How to Make It Feel Less Hopeless

In a world obsessed with instant gratification, it should not be a surprise dating feels like a dumpster fire half the time. I hear it constantly: There are no good men. No good women either. No one wants something real. Everyone just wants to text for day, ghost tomorrow, and never meet up. And what's left is a expanding fear of growing old alone with your houseplants and streaming subscriptions.

But let me stop you right there. You haven’t failed at dating. Yet.

People are still falling in love. In fact, I’ve been to a fair number of weddings in the last few years, and I’ve got a handful more on the calendar. People are still meeting their person. They’re still committing. And yes, they’re still building relationships that last.

So when someone tells me dating is impossible, especially because of some special identifier that “disqualifies” them. I call bullshit.

I say this as a divorced Black single mother of three (two of whom aren’t biologically mine, but absolutely mine all the same and a required part of the package). But I’m not going to lie either. Dating was hard at times. And yes, I leaned on the biases too: Maybe it’s because I’m this, maybe it’s because I have that. But the truth? My dating struggles weren’t about identity. They were about clarity, conviction, and patience…three things I didn’t fully have yet.

So if you’re tired of dating apps, dead-end situationships, and aimless swiping, here are 5 dating tips that actually work. No fluff, no gimmicks.

1. Get Clear on Why You’re Dating In The First Place

Have you ever played coy in a job interview? Wrote a half-hearted college application? Were you surprised if you didn’t get it? Doubt it. So why do so many people do that with dating?

When it comes to adult relationships, clarity isn’t just sexy, it’s essential. If you want something deep and meaningful, own it. If you’re non-monogamous, say it. If you’re unsure and figuring it out, be honest about that too.

Pretending to want something casual when you’re craving commitment only sets you up for heartbreak. Saying you’re monogamous when you’re not makes it more likely you’ll eventually cheat or manipulate to get your needs met. And dragging someone along hoping they’ll change rarely works.

Get clear on what kind of relationship you want and need, and say it early. It’s not rejection-proof, but it saves you (and everyone else) a whole lot of time.

2. Use Your Network For Dating (Yes, Really)

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” right?

So many people tell me how badly they want to meet someone. But when I ask who they’ve told… they say no one. Not a soul.

That’s wild to me. Your network is untapped gold when it comes to dating. Friends, coworkers, that cool barista you always chat with. They’re part of your extended reach. And if you hate dating apps? Even more reason to let people know you’re open to meeting someone.

Think of it like putting the universe (and your group chat) on notice: “Hey, I’m open. Keep an eye out.” Not every setup will be magic, but some might be surprisingly great.

3. Get Comfortable With Rejection (Giving and Receiving)

Here’s the truth: most of the people you go on dates with won’t be your person. That’s not failure, it’s just math.

We tend to forget that rejection goes both ways. We brush it off easily when we’re the one saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.” But when someone else isn’t interested in us? Suddenly we’re spiraling into self-doubt and TikTok tarot readings.

You have to normalize rejection. I’m a fan of fast no’s. If it’s not a fit, I’d rather know early and extend the same courtesy to someone else. That’s not cold, it’s respectful. It clears the path for both people to find someone better suited.

Dating well means getting through your no’s to find your yes.

4. Ask for Feedback (It’s Not as Weird as You Think)

Yes, rejection stings. But sometimes, it’s also an opportunity to grow.

Back when I was dating, I started asking for feedback. Not from every date, but from a few people I thought I had a connection with, but who didn’t feel the same. Those were the most helpful conversations I had. And patterns emerged—things I wasn’t aware of that were getting in the way of connection.

Not every bit of feedback will be useful. But if you’re willing to listen, it can give you insight that your best friend hyping you up simply can’t. Your people love you. But they’re not always objective.

If the feedback feels actionable? Great, work on it. If it just feels like a mismatch in vibe? Let it go and move on with your head high.

5. Commit to the Action, Not the Timeline

This might be the hardest part.

It’s easy to say, “I want a relationship.” It’s much harder to say, “I’ll keep dating, however long it takes—to find someone aligned with what I want and need.”

We’re used to everything being instant. Groceries delivered in an hour. Same-day Amazon. Microwave love stories on reality TV. So when dating takes time, and it will take time, it can feel deflating.

But finding the right relationship is a marathon, not a DoorDash order.

And here’s the truth I remind my clients (and myself):
People of all backgrounds, identities, and life circumstances are finding love. Black, white, disabled, divorced, older, childfree, single parents. You name it, they’re finding relationships. Hell, even people serving life sentences are getting married.

There is someone out there for you. The only way dating “fails” is if you quit doing it.

Final Word

Dating isn’t broken. It’s just asking more of you than you thought it would.

So stop trying to be chill, stop playing small, and start showing up with clarity, courage, and curiosity.

That’s how you find something real.

And if you need a reminder that it’s possible?
Know this: not only did I date some pretty amazing people after my divorce, but I also found the most incredible partner—someone who loves and accepts all of me to this day.

It’s possible. For you, too.

Interested in working with me? Learn how at Ignite Anew.