Hate The Relationship With Your Parents? How to Deal With Difficult Parents

It’s that time of year again, when commercials tell us family equals comfort, but your stomach gets tied in knots at the thought of going home and seeing your parents.

While everyone else seems to be planning matching pajama photos and nostalgic movie nights, you’re quietly debating whether it’s worth the emotional hangover that comes after every visit.

The truth is, not everyone looks forward to family gatherings. And for many, the holidays are less about connection and more about endurance. Because beneath the carols and casseroles are unresolved wounds, unspoken expectations, and the uneasy dance between obligation and self-preservation.

We talk a lot about repairing romantic relationships. About boundaries with friends. About creating healthier workplaces. But when it comes to our parents, the people who shaped us in ways we’re still uncovering, the conversation often gets quiet. Heavy. Loaded with assumptions about what we owe and what love should look like.

The Myth of Obligation in Parent-Child Relationships

There’s a deeply ingrained belief that parents and adult children must have a relationship. It’s assumed that no matter what happened in the past, it’s on the child to maintain the connection, to forgive, to keep showing up.

But what if that relationship causes more harm than healing?

Too often, we use fear as the compass for navigating strained family ties…fear of regret, fear of judgment, fear of being seen as “ungrateful.” This fear-based approach can invalidate real emotional pain. It can trap adult children in cycles of guilt while keeping parents stuck in patterns of defensiveness or shame.

Sometimes, keeping the peace means keeping your distance. And that’s okay.

Healing from a Strained Relationship with Your Parents

If you’re an adult child navigating a complicated relationship with a parent, the work starts within.

You have to give yourself permission to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, even resentful. You can’t heal what you refuse to name.

Part of this process is separating the parent you wished you had from the parent you actually have. That grief is real. So is the reckoning that comes with recognizing your own agency.

As an adult, your parents no longer define the quality of your relationships. You do. The responsibility to build something different belongs to you now.

For parents, the work looks different but just as essential. Your children don’t owe you their respect, loyalty, or love. Those are earned through presence, honesty, and repair. Taking accountability doesn’t erase the past, but it does make space for a new kind of connection. That means owning the choices you made, both the good and the painful, and being honest about what you can realistically offer now.
Maybe you’re no longer fit to “parent” in the traditional sense. But you can still show up with care, consistency, and humility. That counts.

Knowing When to Repair, or Release, the Relationship

There’s no universal formula for deciding whether to repair or release a relationship with a parent. It depends on your emotional tolerance, psychological safety, and capacity for forgiveness.

Ask yourself:

Does maintaining this relationship cause ongoing emotional harm?
Do I have clear boundaries that protect my well-being?
If my parent passed away tomorrow, would I feel peace or regret about my choices?

Sometimes healing means reconnecting. Other times, it means creating distance and grieving what never was. Both paths can be valid, and both can lead to freedom.

Navigating the Relationship With Your Parents as an Adult

If you choose to engage with a parent in adulthood, start here:

Feel everything. Anger, sadness, hope, disappointment. All of it deserves space.
Name your needs. Define what you wanted, what you missed, and what you’re still yearning for.
Get clear on what’s available. What’s possible now? Can that be enough?
Set boundaries that protect your peace. If false promises or harmful patterns repeat, name how you’ll respond, and follow through.
Recognize your worth. Your presence is a gift, not an obligation. You deserve to feel valued and respected.

And if both of you are willing to do the work, with honesty and compassion, something new can emerge. Not a return to the past, but a relationship built on truth, choice, and mutual respect.

Because sometimes love isn’t about repairing what was broken. It’s about redefining what’s possible.

Reflection Exercise

Before this holiday season, take a few quiet moments with these questions:

What emotions come up when you think about your relationship with your parent(s)?
What version of your parent are you still grieving? The one you had, or the one you hoped for?
What boundaries do you need to feel emotionally safe?
If repair were possible, what would that look like? And if not, what does healing look like for you?

Write freely. No censoring. Let honesty, not obligation, guide your answers.

Learn more about working with me at Ignite Anew.