You loved your sex life. It was a space to de-stress, connect, and feel like yourself again. And then—came the kids. Deep down, you're afraid that having children ruined your sex life.
Believe it or not, you’re not alone. And honestly? You’re not wrong. Having kids changes everything—including intimacy. But so do career stress, aging, and life in general. The difference is that those changes tend to happen gradually. Parenthood hits all at once—for both partners. One minute, you’re sneaking in midday sex. The next, you’re trying to remember the last time you touched each other without a child interrupting.
So, how do you reclaim your sex life—or better yet, create something new?
Grieve the Sex Life You Had Pre-Kids
Children aren’t puppies. You’re not giving them back. So it’s time to be honest: you’re not going back to the carefree, spontaneous days of sex either. And that’s okay.
You can love your kids and still grieve what you lost. The long nights, the lazy Sunday sex, the ability to follow a desire without checking the baby monitor first. Acknowledge the grief. It doesn’t make you a bad parent—it makes you human.
When you let go of what was, you free yourself to create something new—something that fits your life now.
Schedule It (Yes, Really)
Putting sex on the calendar isn’t robotic—it’s intentional. You already schedule dentist appointments, parent-teacher conferences, and birthday parties. Why wouldn’t you schedule time to connect with your partner?
Before kids, you may have relied on unspoken routines—like Taco Tuesday or Wine Down Wednesdays. But post-kids? Your mental calendar is maxed out. Writing erotic time into your actual schedule shows you’re willing to prioritize intimacy.
It doesn’t have to be forever. But until the chaos calms down, scheduling sex is how you keep the spark alive.
Establish “Adult Swim”
Remember the blissful silence of adult swim at the public pool? No shrieks, no cannonballs—just peace. Your household needs that too.
Whether it’s to nap, cuddle, or get frisky, build in kid-free time. Lock the bedroom door. Get a sitter. Move bedtime earlier.
Create a rhythm where your kids know there’s time just for adults. Even 15 minutes of uninterrupted connection can do wonders.
Redefine What Sex Means
Most couples never actually talk about what sex means to them. It’s assumed. But assumptions fall apart fast when life gets complicated.
Post-kids, defining your sex life is essential. Does it include mutual masturbation? Foreplay? Sexting? Solo exploration? Expanding your erotic vocabulary allows for creativity, flexibility, and connection—even when full-blown intercourse feels out of reach.
Try building your own “erotic pantry.” You and your partner each write down the erotic activities you’re open to—from kissing and massages to erotica and toys. Then, compare notes. What’s available for regular use? What’s saved for special occasions?
This gives you an easy reference when time is short and energy is low.
Explore. Adjust. Evolve.
Parenthood changes you. And with that, your sex life should change too. There’s no “back to normal.” There’s only discovering what feels good now.
Give yourself grace as you adjust to new bodies, responsibilities, and rhythms. Let yourself be curious about what you want—and what no longer works.
Sex after kids won’t look like it did before. But it can still be exciting, intimate, and fulfilling—if you let it evolve.
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Suggested Readings: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn
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