Relationships can be hard... I mean really fucking hard.
In a world ruled by instant gratification, curated self-love mantras, and the never-ending swipe-a-thon of options, it’s no wonder we’re overwhelmed trying to build something real. Long-term love? Emotional safety? Deep intimacy? A relationship that feels worth it? It’s not exactly plug-and-play.
But every once in a while, I meet couples who’ve been together 30+ years, and not just together, but who still like each other. Still laughing, still having sex, still rooting for each other to win. Whenever I have the good fortune of meeting these couples, I have to ask them how they’ve made their relationship, not just last, but improve with time. Here’s what I’ve learned from them about building a long-lasting relationship that makes you feel alive:
1. Long-lasting relationships are not always a cakewalk.
There will be seasons when things fall apart. In fact, there are many times when one or both partners feel unsure, burnt out, or even fall out of love. There are personal crises, betrayal, resentment, boredom, and grief. Instead of throwing in the towel, they learn to weather the storm. For them, that’s not the end. It’s endurance training.
2. The real honeymoon starts after the storms.
True emotional intimacy emerges after weathering storms and still choosing to love—eyes wide open. These couples often say that the ‘gooey’ years really begin after they’ve faced challenges and come out stronger, more confident in themselves and each other. With every obstacle they overcome, their trust deepens. They feel safer and know they have a partner by their side. A truly tested, ride-or-die bond.
3. Forget perfect love. Embrace true acceptance.
Just two imperfect humans learning how to fall more gently near fewer sharp corners. These couples still have their pet peeves and can easily list the quirks that drive them crazy. They don’t pretend to be perfect or place each other on a pedestal. Instead, they accept each other fully, working to annoy each other a little less and offer a little more grace along the way.
A Long-Lasting Relationship That Makes You Feel Alive
For a relationship to last while continuing to make you feel alive, you have to accept that it’s an active practice: connecting, learning, evolving, and growing together. You’re not the same person you were when you met. Careers shift, new family members arrive, and life’s locations and rhythms change. Your wants and needs evolve. That’s not only okay, it’s inevitable. The future will bring more change, and your relationship will need safety, flexibility, and patience to grow alongside you. That’s the key to creating more than a relationship that never ends. It becomes a love worth keeping.
Not doing this yet in your relationship? Here’s how to start.
1. Take Radical Accountability
Long-lasting couples take ownership of their own emotional baggage and habits. This means you don’t wait for the other to ‘catch up,’ but you also don’t leave each other behind. You’re willing to recognize how your behaviors affect the relationship and actively work to change what needs improving—whether through therapy, trusted friends, or personal growth. Progress may not happen at the same pace or in the same season, but as long as you both are moving forward, you’ll still be in it together.
2. Create Your Own Language
No cookie-cutter advice or tired “communication rules.” It’s time to build a language that’s completely your own, tailored to both of your wants, needs, and quirks. Forget “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” It’s all about figuring out what actually works for your relationship. And when things start to slip, when someone feels unseen or unheard, it’s time to tweak how you communicate once again. This takes time, practice, and of course, plenty of foot-in-mouth moments. But soon, fights shrink, nonverbal skills sharpen, and you both spot when you’re off track…and aren’t afraid to call it out. Co-create a system that works for this relationship. Whether that includes using timeouts, side-eyes, private jokes, or safe words, build a unique language that helps you feel connected, not just correct
3. Keep Building the Relationship, Even When Life Gets Busy
You must actively build the relationship you want and need. You can’t get lazy or just coast through life together. Sure, some seasons feel like a blur where making it through the day is all you can manage. But that should never become the norm. When drifting or coasting shows up, one or both of you need to have the courage to call it out, and together you work to steer the relationship back on course. It’s not always easy, and sometimes you’ve strayed far, but you both commit to putting in the work to come back home.
Relationships Worth Keeping Take Effort
I don’t buy into the idea that everyone has to grow old with just one person. Some folks feel whole with the tribes they build along the way, and that’s beautiful. But if you do want to grow old and gray with someone, and still feel alive at the end of it, here’s the real deal on making a love like that last:
- Relationships take work. Find someone who’s worth every bit of that effort…and who’s ready to roll up their sleeves right alongside you.
- Throw out generic advice. Build your own rulebook. Create your language—a mix of laughter, metaphors, timeouts, and whatever signals you need to really be heard. Set them, tweak them, and reinvent them as you go.
- Keep dating your person. You’re not who you were on day one, and neither are they. Stay curious, stay interested, and never stop discovering the wild, wonderful humans you’ve become.
- Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s something you do. Pleasure doesn’t just show up and disappear. It’s a skill you practice. And relationships? They’re a choice you make every single day.
And when things get hard (because they will), ask yourself: Is this the person I want to do the work with?
If yes, get back in the ring, together.
Be deliberate. Be bold. Make it count.
Interested in working with me? Learn how at Ignite Anew.
Wanna dive deeper on your own? Check out We Do by Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT.
