Let’s be honest, most of our early friendships happened by chance. We liked the same cartoons. Sat next to each other in school. Lived on the same dorm floor or shared a shift at our first job. Boom! Friendship formed.
And while those bonds can be beautiful, they rarely teach us how to build a sustainable friendship. We don’t stop to ask: what makes this work? What makes it hard? What do I even value in a friendship?
But if you want relationships that last, and feel good, you’ve got to go deeper. That means defining your friendship values.
Why Friendship Values Matter
Here’s the thing about values: they’re like the internal compass of your relationships. They shape how you show up, what you prioritize, and what you need in return. But most of us never name them. So we build friendships based on vibes and history… and wonder why things fall apart.
If your friendships feel disappointing, mismatched, or like you’re always the one doing the work, it might not be because you have the wrong friends. It might be because you haven’t clarified your values.
From Checklist to Core Beliefs
When I work with clients on dating or friendships, the first thing I help them do is move away from the checklist:
- They must call every week
- They should always say yes to invitations
- They need to show up a certain way
Because those aren’t values. They’re behaviors. And behaviors change.
Values, on the other hand, are about meaning:
- Is this friendship rooted in honesty?
- Do I feel safe sharing hard things?
- Is mutual growth important to both of us?
If you value emotional safety and depth, but your friend values fun and lightness, you’re going to feel a disconnect no matter how often you talk. It’s not about wrong, it’s about misaligned.
How to Identify Your Friendship Values
Go back to your friendship audit from How to Audit Your Friendships & Why It Matters. Look at the friendships that felt nourishing and the ones that left you depleted. What patterns do you see?
Ask yourself:
- When did I feel most seen and supported?
- What made certain friendships feel energizing?
- What hurt most when a friendship ended?
- What behaviors made me feel respected or disrespected?
From there, you can start naming your values. A few examples:
- Consistency
- Reciprocity
- Emotional availability
- Accountability
- Playfulness
- Shared curiosity
- Adventurousness
- Curiosity
- Honesty
You get to define what matters. Your values don’t have to look like anyone else’s. But they do need to be clear so you can use them to build the friendships you actually want.
What to Do With Your Values
Once you’ve identified your values, use them as a compass. Ask:
- Does this friendship honor my values?
- Am I showing up in a way that reflects my values?
- What conversations might I need to have?
And remember: misalignment doesn’t always mean you need to walk away. It just means you need to be honest with yourself first. And then with your people.
In the next friendship post, we’ll talk about what happens when your needs shift (because they will) and how to make peace with changing relationship dynamics without guilt or self-abandonment.
Interested in working with me? Learn how at Ignite Anew.
Wanna dive deeper on your own? Check out We Should Get Together by Kat Vellos.
