It often starts with a hushed voice and a deep breath. Then, barely audible: “I want to be in a relationship.”
Whew. A mix of relief and embarrassment washes over them—like they’ve just admitted something scandalous.
As a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, I’ve heard this confession more times than I can count. And I’ve felt it too. In a dating culture obsessed with chill vibes, casual hookups, and “situationships,” wanting something real, committed, and lasting can feel like a dirty little secret.
But why?
How Wanting a Relationship Became Taboo
It’s easy to see how we got here. The rise of dating apps, the celebration of singledom, and the dismantling of traditional relationship structures have given people permission to pursue sex and connection on their own terms—and that’s worth celebrating.
But somewhere along the way, the pendulum swung so far that wanting commitment became coded as outdated, regressive, or even anti-feminist. Relationship = patriarchy. Monogamy = oppression. Wanting more = weakness.
Except… it’s not.
Liberation Includes Monogamy, Too
True liberation isn’t about replacing one “norm” with another. It’s about having the freedom to choose. To say, “Right now, I want to be single,” and mean it. Or, “I want to build a deep, committed relationship,” and feel no shame in that.
Monogamy can be just as fulfilling and expansive as non-monogamy. Long-term commitment can be just as revolutionary as rejecting it. Wanting a relationship doesn’t mean you’re behind, boring, or brainwashed. It means you’re human.
Your Desire Is Not a Flaw
When we internalize shame about our relational desires, we lose clarity. We question our motives. We hide what we want. And in doing so, we disconnect from ourselves.
Wanting a relationship is not a weakness. It’s not a failure. It’s not a sign that you’re stuck in the past. It’s just one of many valid expressions of connection.
Let’s Normalize It
You can celebrate your independence and crave connection. You can be sexually liberated and desire exclusivity. You can own your desires without needing to justify them to anyone.
True sexual and relational freedom is the ability to reflect, discern, and communicate your wants and needs—whether that’s a one-night stand, a lifetime partnership, or something in between.
You are allowed to want what you want. Say it out loud. Own it. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. And it’s not your dirty little secret.
To learn more about Dr. Joyriel’s work please visit Ignite Anew
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I am often asked what I mean when touting the phrase “thriving from ashes.” While it’s a catchy one-liner, the meaning is not the most obvious. Allow me to clarify here. Let’s start with ashes.
Ashes derive from fire. Fire’s duality to both create and destroy has always been intriguing and is synonymous with most human experiences. For instance, trauma has the ability to produce both immense devastation and remarkable growth. Even more interesting is how creation and destruction are not mutually exclusive occurrences. One can often be the catalyst for the other. I experienced this as my marriage crumbled and my concept of self went with it. It was gut-wrenching. However, as that version of me withered and burned to ashes, space was created for this current version of me to form and blossom.
This leads to the concept of thriving. What does it mean to thrive? The more definitive meaning is to grow vigorously or to prosper. However, prosperity and growth are more nuanced and particular to individual determination based on values and goals. It will look different depending on where you are in life and which growth edges you deem as connected to achieving a more desirable life. There is the potential to have as many definitions for thriving as there are those who want to thrive. There is, however, one requisite that precedes thriving for everyone: it is the ability to let ashes be ashes and not try to put the ashes back together again. Thriving from ashes means acknowledging the decay in your life that no longer serves you, accepting that looking back is futile, and allowing yourself to transform your life into something new that radiates and flourishes.
