What do you think about when you hear sex talk? Perhaps you think telephones and sultry voices? Or maybe you think kinky pet names or demanding expletives and commands. Better yet, maybe you wrap it up in an all-inclusive box called “dirty talk.”
While all of those may indeed be part of sex talk, it is just one small part of a much more expansive topic. Sex talk includes ALL the ways we want and need to talk about our sexual needs, desires, and our ideal erotic landscape. However, when we inappropriately attach the word dirty to sex, we too often place these necessary conversations outside of our reach.
But these are the very same conversations that empower us to have a voice that can utter both ‘YES’ and ‘NO.’ They allow us to communicate our boundaries and embody dynamic consent. Talking about sex gives us permission to explore our pleasure, desires, and fantasies all while remaining safe from the pressure of needing to act upon any of it.
So how do you improve your sex talk?
Figure out what you already know about your sex life. I mean it. Journal out all that you know about the rules, expectations, interests, boundaries, discomforts, and desires regarding you and your partner. How do you already talk about sex? When, where, and why do these conversations happen? Think about whether they come from a place of curiosity and ease or if they stem from fear and dissatisfaction. Before you can grow, you must start from what you know.
Identify what you want to talk about. Before you go to your partner, explore what conversations you WANT to have and why you want to have them. There are different ways to approach conversations depending on the intent. Are you looking to give feedback? Do you want to express a new desire? Has your erotic identity evolved as life has changed? An easy way to think about this is determining whether you are hoping to inform, persuade, or explore. Knowing what you want to get out of sex talk will serve as an anchor in moments of discomfort.
Lead with curiosity. Now that you know your motives, it’s time to put that on pause. Conversations work best when two people are on the same page. How do you get on the same page? If you are initiating this talk, it means that you first need to figure out what page your partner is on first. How do they feel about conversations regarding sex, eroticism, and desires? You may find that they are eager to jump into this conversation or experience total shut down. Either way is totally understandable and reasonable. It just lets you know where the starting point is. What matters most is their willingness to try.
Seek out resources. Once you determine the comfort level between you and your partner, it’s time to find resources that take the pressure off one or both of you and make learning about sex fun! I, personally, recommend books like Magnificent Sex: Lessons From Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin, and Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel. There are also amazing podcasts like Savage Lovecast and Sex and Psychology that can serve as the catalyst to diving into a range of topics from monogamy to pleasure to kink to sex and aging. Resources serve as an excellent way to de-personalize some of these conversations and allow them to be more accessible.
Keep it fun. No matter where you start in this process, remember that one of the most important factors that encourages sexual wellness and empowerment is to keep it fun. Talking about sex may bring about discomfort at first, but the ultimate goal should be to feel comfortable and have fun talking about sex. If you find yourself getting stressed, try focusing on where you want your sex and erotic life to go.
Work with a professional. If approaching conversations about sex feel beyond your reach or the reach of your relationship, it’s more than okay to seek out the help of a professional to guide you through it. For many, there are often harmful, shame-based, or traumatic experiences that make sex talk feel like a herculean feat. Sometimes deconstructing old narratives or healing old wounds must take place first. However you go about it, remember there’s nothing dirty about sex talk. Check out Eros Rising for therapy and Ignite Anew for workshops and retreats!
