What do you think of when you hear the phrase "sex talk"? Maybe you picture sultry voices over the phone, a string of dirty expletives, or kinky pet names whispered in the dark.
Sure, that’s one version of it. But sex talk is much bigger, deeper, and more essential than just dirty talk.
Sex talk is any conversation that helps us express our erotic needs, boundaries, and desires. It’s how we build consent, explore pleasure, and create safety, all without needing to act on everything we say. The problem? When we label sexual conversation as “dirty,” we unconsciously make it taboo, inaccessible, or shameful.
So let’s shift that. Here’s how to make talking about sex a regular, empowering, and even fun part of your relationship.
Start with what you know.
Before you can grow, you need a baseline. Journal what you already know about your sex life—the rules, expectations, interests, boundaries, discomforts, and desires that already exist between you and your partner.
Knowing your starting point helps you see where your current conversations are happening (or not happening) and whether they come from connection or conflict. Without that awareness, you’re more likely to repeat old patterns instead of building new ones.
Identify what you want to discuss.
Before you sit down with your partner, get clear on your goals. Are you sharing feedback? Introducing a new desire? Talking about changes in your erotic identity over time? One simple framework: decide whether your goal is to inform, persuade, or explore.
When you know your intention, you’re less likely to get lost in the moment or become defensive. An anchored conversation is easier to navigate even if things feel vulnerable.
Lead with curiosity.
Once you know your intentions, pause before sharing them. Instead, ask your partner where they stand. How comfortable are they with talking about sex, desire, and eroticism? You might find they’re eager or you might hit a wall of hesitation. Either way, it gives you your starting line.
Jumping into sex talk without knowing your partner’s comfort level can backfire, creating resistance instead of connection. Curiosity builds trust and makes it easier for your partner to engage at their own pace.
Use resources to take the pressure off.
Books, podcasts, and workshops can make these conversations feel less personal at first. A few great options:
- Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz
- The Art of Receiving and Giving by Betty Martin
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- Podcasts like Savage Lovecast or Sex and Psychology can spark discussions on everything from monogamy to kink to sex after 50.
Resources help you move the conversation away from blame or personal defensiveness. They give you a shared language and framework, making it easier to talk about potentially sensitive topics.
Keep it fun.
Sex talk doesn’t have to be heavy or awkward. Even if the first few conversations feel clunky, bring in curiosity, playfulness, and humor. If you feel tense, pause and remember your bigger goal—creating a sex life you both enjoy.
The more positive your early conversations are, the more likely you are to keep having them. Fun reduces anxiety and makes it easier for both of you to stay engaged instead of shutting down.
Seek professional support if needed.
If shame, trauma, or fear make sex talk feel impossible, a therapist or coach can help you unpack old narratives and rebuild confidence. At Ignite Anew, we offer therapy, workshops, and
Sometimes, the blocks to sexual communication aren’t just about skill. They’re about healing.
Having professional guidance can create a safe, nonjudgmental space to start building a healthier, more open dialogue.
There’s nothing “dirty” about talking about sex. In fact, it’s one of the most powerful tools you have for building a relationship that feels connected, passionate, and safe for both of you.
