Ever stand in front of the pantry, staring, knowing you’re hungry but not having a clue what you want? That’s what a lot of people’s sex lives feel like.
You want connection. You crave intimacy. You even like sex in theory. But when it’s time to actually get in the mood, something doesn’t click. Your body feels tense. The thought of sex feels like work. You avoid it altogether or, when you push through, you leave the experience feeling disconnected, disappointed, or even resentful.
You are not broken.
You are not alone.
And, most importantly, there is a way forward.
The Silent Struggle Most People Share
I see this all the time in my work with individuals and couples: sex becomes a battle instead of a playground. For many, it’s not that they don’t want sex. It’s that they don’t know how to want it anymore.
Here are three groups I often work with:
- The New Explorers
You’ve never really explored your erotic identity and don’t know where to start. You want to feel confident connecting with a partner but feel like you’re fumbling in the dark. - The Stuck Partners
You’ve been with someone for years. At first, things were exciting, spontaneous, and fun. But somewhere along the way, intimacy became routine. You’ve got one or two “go-to” activities, and if you’re not in the mood for those, sex just… doesn’t happen. - The Survivors
For people who’ve experienced sexual trauma, intimacy can feel complicated and unpredictable. You want to connect with your partner, but your body sometimes says “no” even when your heart says “yes.” Trauma lives in the body, and without safe, intentional practices, attempts at sexual experiences can trigger dissociation or retraumatization.
No matter which group you fall into, one thing is universal: you want to feel empowered, playful, and free when it comes to your sexuality. But most of us were never given a roadmap for how to get there.
Why Sex Starts to Feel Stale
Here’s the thing most people don’t realize: sex is rarely just about sex.
When we don’t explore what turns us on, what shuts us down, and what excites us, we get stuck. Couples start avoiding intimacy altogether because it feels easier than navigating misaligned desires or risking rejection. Individuals shut down pleasure because they’ve been taught their bodies should perform on command, even when they’re not ready.
I’ve heard so many clients describe the same cycle:
- They want to want sex.
- When the moment comes, they feel anxious or disconnected.
- Saying “no” feels safer than saying “I don’t know.”
- Partners get confused, frustrated, or rejected.
- Sex and intimacy become another source of tension instead of connection.
Sound familiar? It’s not that you hate sex. It’s that the way you’re approaching it doesn’t work for you anymore.
The Stories We’ve Been Told About Sex
Part of the problem is the narrow, rigid definition of sex most of us grew up with:
– Sex starts with penetration and ends with orgasm.
That script is not only limiting, it’s harmful. It leaves no room for curiosity, exploration, or play. It assumes everyone experiences desire the same way, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
Here are some truths we rarely talk about:
- Your body has multiple erogenous zones. Not just one.
- All five senses can be portals to pleasure, both sexual and nonsexual.
- You can have a deeply connected, fulfilling erotic experience without orgasm — or even without penetration.
- Consent isn’t just between you and your partner; it starts with you. If your body isn’t on board, pushing through can lead to shame, trauma responses, or physical discomfort.
The goal isn’t just “more sex.” It’s better sex. Safer sex. More playful, embodied, connected sex.
You’re Allowed to Want More
- Maybe you want sex to feel exciting again.
- Maybe you want to connect erotically without feeling pressured to “go all the way.”
- Maybe you want to understand what turns you on, what doesn’t, and what you’re curious about.
Whatever you want, here’s the truth: you can’t have the sex life you crave if you don’t know your options.
Most of us only reach for what we already know, the same two or three things. And then we wonder why desire fizzles. But intimacy thrives on novelty, curiosity, and choice. When we expand what’s possible, we invite our bodies and minds back into play.
What’s Next
This is where the fun begins.
In Part 2 of this series, we’ll dig deeper into the myths that limit our erotic selves and learn how to rewrite the rules so sex feels expansive, playful, and fully yours.
And if you’re ready to start exploring right now, stay tuned for Part 3, where I’ll introduce my Erotic Pantry worksheet: a playful, pressure-free tool to spark desire, deepen connection, and discover new ways to experience pleasure.
You deserve a sex life that feels alive, connected, and free. Let’s get you there.
Interested in working with me? Learn how at Ignite Anew.
Wanna dive deeper on your own? Check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.
