Too often, we focus on all the reasons we should be having sex. We study how to set the mood, find new positions, and bring back the spark when things start to fizzle. But I’m a firm believer that the best sex often starts with saying no.
Before we can fully make space for the sex we want to have and the erotic playscape we want to create, we have to understand not only when to say yes, but when to say no.
Because all the “how-tos” in the world won’t matter if you aren’t in charge of your yes and your no. You can force a yes for a while, but if you do, you’ll eventually meet a deeper, more impenetrable no…the kind that shuts everything down. And keeps it that way.
Before you lead your relationship towards an erotic draught, here are three reasons not to have sex.
1. When Your Body Is Not Ready For Sex
It doesn’t matter if you’re tired, sick, healing from sexual trauma, or navigating perimenopause. There are plenty of moments when your body looks at sex and thinks, I’ll pass.
And instead of listening, you push through. You override your body’s “no,” hoping your mind can catch up. But when you do this enough times, your body begins to lose faith in you. It stops trusting that you’ll protect it.
When you bulldoze past your body’s boundaries, you can end up with a full-blown revolt—vaginismus, dissociation, aversion to touch. What starts as trudging through mud becomes a concrete wall. And even when you are in the mood, your body will continue to protest, hijacking any opportunity for a fun and carefree experience.
How do you know when your body isn’t on board?
Look for subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues: tightening of muscles, queasiness, a rising feeling of panic, or even numbness. These are all your body’s way of saying, not right now.
What gets in the way of listening? People-pleasing, trauma conditioning, or simply rushing through an experience without giving yourself time to awaken to erotic play. Survivors of sexual trauma often experience this, the body’s natural protective reflex colliding with a deep craving for sexual connection.
Here’s the truth: consent starts with you.
Think about a time when you felt a full-bodied yes. What did that feel like? Warmth? Softness? Excitement? Your body often needs time to catch up to the party and be able to fully answer what feels from what feels good. If your body can’t process that, it can’t give you an honest yes.
When you approach your next erotic encounter, look for that embodied yes. If it’s not sex or penetration, maybe it’s kissing. Maybe it’s touch. Maybe it’s simply being close. Slow down, tune in, and feel. When you find yourself melting with that buzzing warmth or energy, that is likely your yes. Rather than pushing through, ignoring, or judging yourself, stay there. Explore. Play. Stay.
2. When You Have Sex To Feel Chosen
You’d think this one would fade with age and experience. It doesn’t.
I hear it from CEOs, physicians, entrepreneurs, and executives alike, clients who can close deals and command rooms, but still find themselves having sex, hoping it will make someone stay.
This usually starts with the belief that one person in a blossoming relationship values sex more, and that to be chosen, you have to value it too. So instead of exploring the erotic lifestyle you want or one that the two of you can reliably create, you focus solely on what you think will make you more desirable.
The problem? Once the performance cools (and it always does), tension builds.
They wonder what happened to the sexually carefree partner they first met. You wonder why you suddenly feel disconnected, resentful, or even repulsed. And this isn’t just a straight couple issue. Many queer couples experience it too, especially when one partner feels pressure to perform more desire than they truly feel.
If someone only likes you for sex, is that really someone you want to be with?
If your worth feels tethered to their orgasm, the foundation isn’t attraction. It’s insecurity.Let’s dismantle a cultural myth while we’re here: men don’t always want sex, and a woman wanting more than sex doesn’t make her “the man” in the relationship. Desire and libido are far more complex than our gendered scripts would have us believe. They’re influenced by countless factors – medication, age, stress, trauma, mental health, medical conditions, and even relationship dynamics.
You are doing yourself a disservice and setting up for a major rupture down the line by approaching sex in any way other than what truly fits for you. If you catch yourself performing, pause and ask: What am I hoping to get from this? If there is concern about differences in your sex lives, have the conversation.
Trust me, you won’t earn love with orgasms. And orgasms can’t validate you. A relationship built on them will go as quickly as it cums.
3. When It’s Another Item On Your Checklist
“If it’s not on my calendar, it’s not getting done.”
I hear this line constantly, and while I’m a big fan of scheduling intimacy, this is not what I mean.
There’s nothing worse than checklist sex, the kind where one or both partners are just trying to get in and out as quickly as a grocery run. It’s mechanical, detached, and devoid of the presence that turns sex into connection. And makes it pleasurable and fun.
When sex becomes a task, desire quietly leaves the room. And repulsion slips in behind it.
Clients often describe feeling numb, distracted, or even grossed out afterward. That’s because when you treat sex like a duty, you strip it of its purpose to experience connection, pleasure, and intimacy.
This mindset usually comes from an outdated sense of obligation. “It’s my duty.” “I’m supposed to.” “It keeps the grouch away.” Sometimes this is rooted in shame or avoidance, especially for those who feel disconnected from their erotic identity or didn’t feel they could explore their own sexual wants and needs. In these cases, the argument is that it’s easier to go through the motions than confront what’s not working.
Here’s the truth: sex is not a chore. It’s an experience.
And experiences only work when there’s presence, curiosity, and consent — not obligation. If one of you is mentally gone, nobody’s having a good time. And if your partner doesn’t care that you’re checked out, that’s not sex…that’s a red flag.
So, instead of asking, How do I make sure we have sex this week? try:
- What would feel fun today?
- How do I want to connect sexually in this moment?
- What would create erotic pleasure right now?
You might be surprised by what unfolds when you trade productivity for exploration and play.
The Bottom Line: Trust Your No
The best sex begins with no.
No to obligation. No to pressure. No to performance.
Because when you trust your no, your yes becomes powerful.
You start creating self-trust. And from that comes desire.
So the next time you feel yourself saying yes for any of these reasons, pause.
Listen. And if your body, or your heart, whispers no, honor it.
You can always come back to yes when it’s real.
If This Resonates, You’re Not Alone
If you see yourself in these patterns, therapy can help you reconnect to your body, your boundaries, and your desire.
Learn more about working with me at Ignite Anew.
Wanna dive deeper on your own? Check out Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori A. Brotto, PhD.
